Communication is the key to maintaining a healthy relationship. It is important from the outset that you can talk to each other, so you nurture each other and give each other support, and also so you don't let any problems or issues fester.

Having a good relationship doesn't mean that you never disagree about anything. Conflict occurs on some level in all relationships - it is an inevitable part of two unique individuals becoming closer and sharing time with each other. You might want to see one movie, they might want to see another, you might want to see your friends in the weekend, and they might want you to spend the whole weekend with them.

It is therefore essential that you know how to deal with conflicts - large or small - when they arise. It is important not to freak out: stay calm and honest about what you need and how you feel. The more you talk about the difficulties, the easier it will become to feel more comfortable speaking truthfully with your partner. And it does take time because talking honestly in times of conflict can be scary, especially with people we really care about.

It's important to remember that learning about how to work things out together is part of every relationship, and everyone will do it differently.

Here are some tips for dealing with conflicts:

• be clear about what the issue is really about. Stick to what you're concerned about now - don't drag up stuff from the past
• pick a time and place when you can both talk about it comfortably. In the middle of a shopping mall, or while they are on the phone to someone else is not a good time
• being really drunk or out of it doesn't help either
• take responsibility for what you are feeling: use 'I' statements, rather than 'you' ones, ('you always...' etc etc) which usually have a blaming element
• be willing to listen to, and hear the other person's point of view
• aim for a resolution that works for both of you, rather than trying to attribute blame, or bullying them into agreeing with you
• take time out if you're feeling you can't deal with it at that moment, but don't use time out as an excuse to avoid the issue. It won't go away by itself.

Sometimes just being willing to talk with each other diffuses the situation. It shows respect for the other person, and for the relationship. You may not always reach a mutually satisfactory compromise, sometimes you may need to agree to have different opinions about something. This is OK, the aim of a healthy relationship is not to make you into clones of each other. The important thing is that you can both feel good about who you are.

Aside from knowing how to deal with conflict, it is important to let the person know, both verbally and in your actions, how much they mean to you. Don't forget to keep doing nice things for each other. That doesn't mean you have to buy the other person lots of gifts (although those things are nice too), you can still be kind to your partner without a lot of money.

A healthy relationship is one where:

• both partners are willing to negotiate fair solutions to conflict
• you listen to each other non-judgementally and try to understand and value each other's point of view
• both partners will be willing to accept responsibility for themselves and admit when they could have said or done something differently
• you feel safe to talk openly and truthfully and give and receive emotional support and understanding.

And remember that the people closest to us often act like mirrors, reflecting who we are. Many of the problems we have with other people are a reflection of the problems we have with ourselves.

It is also important not to try to change anyone else. Being in a relationship where you're just hoping that they'll change is unhealthy for both of you. You will just get frustrated waiting for them to change, while they will get frustrated not being accepted for who they are.

When you gently start to change some of your own ideas and behaviours, your relationships improve too. Knowing what you expect from a relationship, and what you're not prepared to put up with is vital.

Reviewed by everybody, July 2008.