Before you start a relationship, it helps to know yourself first and to understand how you function as a sexual being. There are many facets of sexuality and many things that influence how we relate in a sexual way to others.

Let's consider the terms sex, sexuality, sexual identity, sexual orientation. What do these words really mean?

The word sex often refers to your gender (man or women) but for most people, when they talk about sex, they mean the "act" of sex, the "doing" or physical part including touching, kissing, rubbing, licking and intercourse.

Sexuality, on the other hand, is about "being". Your sexuality is who you are as a sexual being - your desires, fantasies and feelings about sex and how you express those things. You are always a sexual being, no matter when, how, if, or with whom you choose to express that. Sexuality is lifelong, it doesn't just turn on and off.

Sexual identity means who we identify ourselves as being - heterosexual, lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Your sexual identity can also be different in public than in private. For example, a man who is attracted to men, may feel pressured to identify publicly as heterosexual. Among friends, he may feel confident and supported enough to declare his identity as gay.

Sexual orientation means to whom you are attracted (men only, women only, or men and women).

Sexual behaviour is with whom we actually have sex - men only, women only, or men and women.

It's easiest if our orientation, our identity, and our behaviour all match up. It can be really hard on people who feel one thing, for example, but do something else - because they feel they must. Furthermore, other people (friends, family, peers), institutions and organisations (school, groups, the armed forces), religion, culture and the media can also have very particular ideas about what is OK and not OK in terms of sexuality.

It's really important, therefore, to take the time to learn about yourself. Your sexuality is yours. You are the one who will spend the most time with yourself over your lifetime, so take time and make sure you like and enjoy who you are.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't mean you have to rush out and have sex with lots of different people. It means you need to be aware of your own feelings of attraction and desire. Also think about how much those feelings are influenced by:

• society and others' views
• what you think you should be doing/feeling rather than what you truly feel
• what you think everyone around you is doing/feeling.

Sometimes we can hear or see so much about what is acceptable to those around us, it can be easy to just accept that, rather than consciously thinking about what we want and need in our own lives.

Important points

• understanding your own sexuality means you feel more comfortable with yourself and helps you relate better to others
• sexuality is more than genital sexual activity - it's about the whole person, their experiences, their social context, and their relationships
• sexuality is a natural and healthy part of living
• all persons are sexual
• sexuality includes physical, ethical, spiritual, psychological and emotional dimensions
• individuals express their sexuality in a variety of ways
• sexual relationships should never be coercive or exploitative
• all sexual decisions have effects and consequences
• individuals and society benefit when young people are able to discuss sexuality with their parents and/or trusted adults
• young people explore their sexuality as a natural process of achieving sexual maturity
• sexuality is part of the package you come with when you're born, and is with you throughout your life. It's wrapped around every part of who you are. You've already got it, but you may need help in learning how to use it in positive ways.

Reviewed by everybody, July 2008.