Beginning a relationship

You know the feeling - a flutter in the heart, feeling hot and nervous when that person is around.

You may be attracted to someone you've just met at a party, a friend of a friend who you bump into every now and then, or someone you've known for a long time but have started to see in a different light.

However it started, there's someone you want to get to know better, maybe start a relationship with. Where to from here?

Taking the first steps

Everyone has his or her own ideas about how to start a relationship, but you may not feel comfortable with what other people do. It's important to do what's right for you. The best idea is to take it one step at a time. Say hello, introduce yourself. Think about what you'd like them to say if they came up to you, and try that with them.

• it's important to be yourself
• don't pre-plan what you're going to say too much because you won't be able to respond easily to what they say. Have a conversation, not a monologue
• KIS (Keep It Simple).

You don't have to tell them every detail about your life the first time you meet. If you take the risk of speaking to someone and it doesn't work out as you wanted, that's OK.

There's no magic word or phrase that is going to make them like you. No matter how respectful, wonderful, and gorgeous you might be, they just simply might not want a relationship at that time. Look on it as a valuable opportunity to practice your communication skills, and know that next time, you'll be that little bit more experienced and confident.

What do you want from a relationship?

It is also important to think why you want a relationship. Is it because you like someone and want to get to know them better, or because you think that being single means you're a loser? If it's the latter, being in a relationship is probably not the best thing for you right now.

Try working on the relationship you have with yourself first, and see if you can treat yourself (with respect, affection, honesty, responsibility etc) the way you'd like to be treated by a partner.

Take the time to think about what you want in a relationship - your expectations of your partner, and yourself. Remember, too, that the other person may have different expectations of themselves, and you, in the relationship.

As you spend more time together, talk about these things, so you both know where you stand. Don't assume anything.

Just because your mates, your family, and everyone else you know expects their partners to behave in a certain way - for example to pay for them on dates, call them every day, spend all their time together - don't expect your prospective partner to have had the same experience, or to want the same things. Ask. You may be surprised what you discover.

What each person can bring to a relationship?

Some things to be clear about in yourself, and with each other, are:

• what you want out of your relationship
• what qualities you want in a partner
• what things would be unacceptable to you in a partner or relationship
• what qualities you have to offer as a person in your relationship.

Remember too that lust is not love. Feeling "horny" when you see someone across a crowded room doesn't mean that you'll end up being in love with each other.

What makes for a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship is one where you:

• share responsibility (make decisions together)
• share costs (including the cost of contraception if you decide to have sex)
• negotiate (come up with solutions that work for you both)
• are safe (you can trust each other to talk and act respectfully - verbally, emotionally, and physically)
• are respected (listen, value and support each other)
• are honest (are open about where you're at, and accept responsibility for your words and actions)
• are secure (can spend time alone or doing things with friends without jealousy).

And most of all, a healthy relationship is one where you feel good about you.

Relationships part 1 - exploring your own sexuality 
Relationships part 3 - negotiating intimacy 

Reviewed by everybody, July 2008.